When I started dating the hubs....people asked if we were serious. When I finally would acknowledge the severity of my burning love for him....people asked when we'd get engaged (as if I knew?!). Once engaged...when we'd get married. Once married....when we'd have kids. It's always been a little pet peeve of mine. I'm not adverse to goals but I do like to enjoy the moment and savor each stage. There were some beautiful things about just dating the hubs. Of course in hindsight it would be devastating had we stalled out there. But in those moments it was nice to just enjoy dating. Flash forward to the postpartum nurse that took me into care just hours after Cutie Pie's birth. She first asked me "Are you going to have a 3rd to try for a boy?" People are always jumping ahead. They want to be in the know about what is next. I've had to deal with knowing that as soon as we hit a life stage, someone would be asking about the next.
The other side of that is people want to "help" you by anticipating the worst. Now I don't think anyone is assuming the worst or wishing the worst on you. In fact I think in some crazy way they really believe they are "helping." If you somehow anticipate the worst case scenario then you'll endure the hard parts better. Surely you know the old ball and chain warning the minute a man puts a ring on gals finger? Or when pregnant for the first time we got the enjoy every last moment BEFORE the baby comes and you suffer social suicide. And finally, the most recent: Your first born is going to have a really hard time with the second. Be prepared for hatred, jealousy, acting out, and so forth.
I think both of these tendencies really do stem from a place of care. We get excited for what is next in people's life and we want to prepare them for the hard things so that it won't discourage them. However, I just don't really like either. I'd prefer to enjoy the moment I am in. I'd also prefer to focus on all the great things about what is to come. I don't want to waste time planning for a worst case scenario that may not happen.
Perfect example: my firstborn.
There has been no hatred. There has been no acting out. Jealousy has not reared an ugly head yet. Maybe at 5 short weeks into the second born's life I am naive and deceived but for all the worry that people shoved my way about even these first 5 weeks it ended up being a waste. Cupcake has been fabulous. She's loving. She's helpful. She's curious. She's observant. She's patient. She's independent when I need her to be. She's still cuddly and sweet when I have the space on my lap. She's patient. She's proud. I have fallen in love all over again with my Cupcake as I've watched her take on her new role as a big sister.
I was prepared for all kinds of ugliness based on the warnings of others. Shame on me. I slipped into the stereo types and underestimated her. I'm sorry, Cupcake. I should have known that you'd embrace Cutie Pie like you do everything with grace, flexibility, optimism, and an outpouring of love. I'm snapping pictures of your luscious curls and ridiculous long eye lashes today and thinking of how thankful I am that your Daddy doesn't feel like he's wearing a ball and chain, how you did not create social suicide for us, and how having a second child did not awaken a monster within you. I am continuously in awe of and deeply in love with you my precious girl.
2 comments:
not every older sibling is jealous of a younger one- at some point there will be some tiffs- but my kiddos always love the new baby. i think that is normal and i think people need to keep this "helpful advice" to themselves. i am sure she is a great big sister!!!
Beautifully said. Adam did great, too, so sometimes it works out!
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