The loss of one, my love for another

It's mother's day and Chris is cooking away in the kitchen. He wanted to make me a breakfast surprise. I can't wait. I love breakfast and barely ever get to eat it these days so it's the perfect Mother's Day treat. Not to mention that gifts of service from Chris really speak to me...I am a lucky Mom!!

Anyway, it's a mixed bag for me today in some ways. This is the exact one year anniversary of our miscarriage. I remember sitting in church on Mother's Day last year fighting back the tears and having so many angry thoughts at God. It was the start of a dark and lonely month for me. I thought it would be so long before we got pregnant again, if we even got pregnant again. I couldn't understand why this would happen to me. I felt distant from so many of my friends and oddly close to the ones who came out of the dark with their own miscarriages. I didn't know how to process the loss of someone I didn't even know. I didn't know how to celebrate Mother's Day when my own chance to be a Mother was bleeding out of me. I don't ever want to forget all the feelings of frustration, being lonely, sad, mad, and failure so that I will always be able to minister to and love other women who are going through it too.

However, as Mother's Day rolls around again, it's amazing how the Lord has reconciled all of those emotions and replaced them with a whole new understanding of Motherhood. I know what it is like to have lost which in some small way helps me love even more in the midst of spit up, explosive poop, and incessant crying. My mentor and friend Deb told me last year that in her own miscarriages she learned and believed that the Lord would bring the "right" children to her dinner table. That thought has really stuck with me and now, a year later, on Mother's Day I can say she was right. I can't imagine not having Chloe Jane. She was the "right" first child for us, for me. I can't imagine Mother's Day with a different baby. When she looked up at me this morning and started making her little grunting noises, I knew that the loss of last year was supposed to happen to help prepare my heart to be the best Mommy I can for Chloe. I could never take her for granted and I can receive and celebrate Mother's Day as a gift that the Lord has entrusted me with. I only pray that I am humble enough to continue to receive His teachings and guidance to continue to grow as a Mom.

Happy Mother's Day.